Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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