I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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