just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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