Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
