put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
