The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
