dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
