You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
