thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize