First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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