just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
