there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
