This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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