dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
