i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
