so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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