either way he was missing a nipple.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
