I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
