OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just gift wrapped bread.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
