you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm passing your future prison.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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