I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
