he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
