i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
