I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
