I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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