I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
