he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
