I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
