Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
