my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize