Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
