I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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