then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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