it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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