the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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