Your face is a jimmy john
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
