I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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