Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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