is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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