then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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