oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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