something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
