mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
