Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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