Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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