Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
