I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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