He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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