she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
