phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
