why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
