I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
