How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
