He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I wish there were birth control emojis
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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