You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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