so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
