how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize