I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
