the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
