my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
